The benefit of the doubt is an endangered species

(Photo: Maulana Ahmad/Unsplash)

Whether it’s a dismissive comment, brusque text, or joke that hits too close to home, we’ve all experienced that moment when someone says something that just doesn’t sound right. Our minds scramble to answer the question we’re too scared to ask out loud — Why would they say that? — and sometimes we can’t help but arrive at the worst possible conclusion.

Instead of asking if the person misspoke or had a bad day, we rush to assume that they were trying to harm us. It’s the safer path — after all, it’s easier to cut ties or take sides when the cruelty is intentional.

But if someone forgets your birthday, does it necessarily mean they don’t care about you? When your friend cancels plans last-minute, is it because they secretly hate you or did they really have a migraine? If your co-worker interrupts you mid-sentence, was it a calculated attempt to silence you or did they just get ahead of themself? 

Everyone you know — including you — has probably sent more than one text that sounded harsher than they intended. They may have even replayed that conversation in their head hours later, cringing at their word choice. People are complicated, and most of them are not secretly operating under the assumption that you deserve emotional turmoil.

Social media has only amplified our tendency to misinterpret others. Differences of opinion have become grounds to fight armies of angry strangers over nothing. We've become so adept at “reading between the lines” that we misinterpret every awkward encounter as disrespect, every mistake as manipulative, and every lapse in judgment as Freudian slips revealing a person’s true, malevolent core.

If we keep treating people as enemies, we can’t be surprised when they start acting the part.

Some people will have malicious intent, it’s true. They’re the ones who lie to our faces, gossip behind our backs, and dissect our every move. Assuming goodwill doesn’t mean enabling or naively turning a blind eye to bad behaviour, it’s just understanding that not every disagreeable conversation warrants a criminal investigation.

Communication is hard, whether it’s face-to-face or over text. We must understand that we are all human; we can have bad days or say the wrong thing, and sometimes our best intentions get lost in translation. It never hurts to ask, “So what you’re saying is…” or “What did you mean by that?” Chances are your conversation partner values you more than you think.

Relax. Let your guard down. Breathe.